Word to the Absurd Returns!

First off, Happy Canada Day. It’s also column day, and this week I wrote about fun, cheap ways to entertain your kids during the summer. After taking in the Family Fun Fest on the Halifax Common this afternoon, I can say that I will *not* be adding “standing in line in the rain so your kids can run through a bouncy castle for two minutes” to my list of fulfilling activities.

On another note, I’m well overdue for an edition of Word to the Absurd. As always, these are actual conversations my family members have had with each other.

– “Why is there a thermometer in my shoe?”

-“The kitchen is for dance parties. If you want a ninja fight, go to the living room.”

-Me: “Time for bed.”
Mastermind: “But I have to make up rules and folders for my email! I can’t just have all these emails sitting in my inbox unorganized!”
Me: “Can you come to work with me tomorrow?”

The General: “I’m the King of the Castle, and your dinner is dirty rascal food.”

Me: “Keep the nudity in the backyard so people driving down the street don’t call the cops.”

Me: “Whose turn is it to empty the dishwasher?”
Mastermind: “I did it yesterday.”
Me: “Are you sure?”
Mastermind: “Check the cutlery drawer. I always put it away neatly and [O] doesn’t. THE CUTLERY NEVER LIES.”
[Note: I hereby claim this for the title of a future murder mystery. You’ve been served notice.]

Potty humour section:

Me: “Just because you’re outside doesn’t mean you can pee wherever you like. You’re not a dog.”

The General, loudly: “LEAVE ME ALONE I DON’T HAVE ANY PEE IN MY PENIS”

Me: “You smell. Come to the bathroom.”
The General: [Lies down on the floor, closes his eyes] “I can’t. I’m dead.”
Me: “That’s too bad. Dead kids have to change their own Pull-Ups.”

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