Word to the Absurd: Holiday Smorgasbord

It’s Thanksgiving weekend in Canada and we had our turkey dinner tonight. Naturally, our oldest boy ate none of it. Of all the food we cooked, he had a plate of glazed carrots, then followed up with a handful of almonds. He also gave us a long lecture on why processed food is terrible, why we should only eat things that are “real,” and why he’s never eating meat. (He is essentially a vegetarian, except for bacon. Which of course is super-processed. But the kid is seven, so he’s allowed a few logical fallacies.)

It was a very impressive lecture, with one great knockout line: “It’s like being the only real person in a roomful of robots.”

I can’t win an argument with this boy anymore, usually because I’m laughing too hard by the end. But his punchline reminded me I’m overdue for another edition of Word to the Absurd.

As always, these are real things we have actually said to each other.

Me: Why is there water all over your bedroom floor?
O: It was 10 per cent on purpose and 90 per cent an accident.

Shawna: Your face is covered in chocolate!
G (points to himself): What, this face?

Me: What do you think of our new bathroom countertop?
O: It looks a lot more flammable than the old one.
Me: Well, as long as you don’t set any fires in the bathroom, we should be OK.

X (on a family hike near an abandoned radar station): If we were in a movie, this is where the aliens would land.

O: Knock-knock.
Me: Who’s there?
O: Your hair has dog poop in it. October fools!

G (after I accidentally bumped into the door frame): Let me show you how to walk, Daddy. You have to be careful.


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