Earlier this evening, my wife set Gideon down to take the phone. But she had to end the call abruptly by saying, “Aah! I’ll have to call you back. I just realized I have poo on my arm.”* (It was my mom on the other end, so she understood.) And this was barely an hour after Xander came in from the front yard and announced that he needed a chart of hieroglyphics for the burial chamber he and Oscar were building.
“What are you burying?” I asked.
“Just the snail that Oscar stomped on.”
With all that hilarity breaking out, I figured it was time for another edition of Word to the Absurd. As always, these are actual conversations that have taken place in our house. Most are fairly recent, though I dipped into the family archives for a couple.
Oscar: I kissed a fish once. I love kissing dead animals.
Xander: I’m just going to go order some stuff on the computer. You can pay for it later.
Xander: I only like rough songs, the ones that are like ‘Dun dun dun dun dun.’ Girls don’t like those kinds of songs. Girl songs are all ‘A-aaa-aah’ (singing in a high falsetto). Those songs are boring.
Oscar: Daddy, watch out or I’ll penetrate your guts with my light sabre.
Shawna: Can you think before you do that next time?
Xander: But I don’t like to think before I do anything!
Me: Who can tell me why there’s a box of Ritz crackers in the dryer?
Xander: That’s where I was having my snack.
Shawna (to Xander): It’s only a booger. Just put it on the floor.
Xander: I’m 90 per cent sure that marshmallows are a good breakfast food.
*Just in case you’re wondering, I did bail Shawna out and change the baby’s leaky diaper. After I stopped laughing.