Word to the Absurd III

Earlier this evening, my wife set Gideon down to take the phone. But she had to end the call abruptly by saying, “Aah! I’ll have to call you back. I just realized I have poo on my arm.”* (It was my mom on the other end, so she understood.) And this was barely an hour after Xander came in from the front yard and announced that he needed a chart of hieroglyphics for the burial chamber he and Oscar were building.

“What are you burying?” I asked.

“Just the snail that Oscar stomped on.”

With all that hilarity breaking out, I figured it was time for another edition of Word to the Absurd. As always, these are actual conversations that have taken place in our house. Most are fairly recent, though I dipped into the family archives for a couple.

Oscar: I kissed a fish once. I love kissing dead animals.

Xander: I’m just going to go order some stuff on the computer. You can pay for it later.

Xander: I only like rough songs, the ones that are like ‘Dun dun dun dun dun.’ Girls don’t like those kinds of songs. Girl songs are all ‘A-aaa-aah’ (singing in a high falsetto). Those songs are boring.

Oscar: Daddy, watch out or I’ll penetrate your guts with my light sabre.

Shawna: Can you think before you do that next time?
Xander: But I don’t like to think before I do anything!

Me:  Who can tell me why there’s a box of Ritz crackers in the dryer?
Xander: That’s where I was having my snack.

Shawna (to Xander): It’s only a booger. Just put it on the floor.

Xander: I’m 90 per cent sure that marshmallows are a good breakfast food.

*Just in case you’re wondering, I did bail Shawna out and change the baby’s leaky diaper. After I stopped laughing.


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