Word to the Absurd

One of the things they don’t mention in parenting books  is just how often you will find yourself saying completely ridiculous things without even blinking an eye. One thing I try never to say is that classic parent phrase, “Because I said so.” So I offer more detailed and honest explanations for my decisions, such as, “because you would probably get electrocuted” or “because your brother’s legs aren’t meant to bend that way” or “because if you do that one more time I will lose my mind, and that won’t be good for any of us.”

I’m often astonished by what I can say with a straight face. It’s only when I look back later that I realize just how absurd our day-to-day conversations can be. Here are some things I’ve said to my children in various situations:

“Look, you can BOTH be good guy secret agents with laser guns, OK?”

“I don’t think you can live without a pancreas, but I might be wrong.”

“I’m sorry to tell you that you’ll probably never be able to pratice mind control.”

“Yes, I know it’s cool that your sister has magnets in her head, but I don’t think she likes it when you try to stick things to her.”

“You’re not allowed back in the living room until you stop bleeding.”

“Don’t worry, Oscar. I’ve surrounded us with a missle-proof invisible force field.”

“You know the rule:  no nudity at the dinner table.”

“You’re right, it is the afternoon already in Rwanda. But it’s still breakfast time here, so you can’t have candy.”

“From now on, you two are not allowed to fight over things that don’t actually exist.”

“I’m not sure why the ancient Egyptians pulled people’s brains out of their noses. It just seemed like the thing to do, I guess.”

“No, only boys have those. No, girls can’t just buy one. No, there is no penis store.”

“If I have to get that out of the toilet, I’m going to be really unhappy.”

Those are just a few examples of the conversations I find myself in around here. So what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever said to your kids?


8 responses to “Word to the Absurd

  1. Chad, thanks for the laughs! And enjoy these days. They’ll pass too quickly.

    For the record, the oddest thing I said to our guys may have been “don’t bite the toilet seat”. I wish I’d kept a list.

  2. This is hilarious! I’m may not be a parent but I have some funny conversations with my students. One day I had to explain to a grade 7 class why racism against red heads is wrong.

  3. Last Mon. July 19th, my 4 year old daughter asked me what would happen if you fell out of an airplane. I said “you would fall to the ground, be dead and wake up. ” Dah, I realized what I said after I said it and had to explain that you would not wake up. .

  4. Pingback: Friday Funnies « God With Us: Finding Joy·

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